The Boy That Changed My Life

Many adults, especially parents, will tell you: do not decide to do something drastic for a guy/girl. Most of the context in which they are implying this is college. I've known more than one person who has decided against going to the school of their choice simply because they wanted to be closer to their boy/girlfriend at the time. Unfortunately, most of the time these relationships don't work out in the end, and now someone is not in the place they had intended their life to be educational or locational placement wise.

Now, 7th grade me did not think this piece of advice my parents preached applied to me because college was 5 years away. But 7th grade me also had hormones and had a typical middle school crush. It was a boy from my town, friends with my brother, really funny guy, and I just fell for him. No big deal right? Well this boy didn't like me, which, looking at it now, isn't surprising. He was a year older than me, outgoing, attractive. Whereas I was an extremely unattractive 13 year old that was pathetically socially awkward and unpopular. But here I am, hopped up on hormones, desperate to fulfill my dream of being his girlfriend, no matter the cost.

Now the easiest option to do this was appeal to him by pretending to like all of the same things as him. I couldn't just stop there though, I decided spur of the moment, to join a military youth program called Sea Cadets, that he was a member of, so he could see me outside of school, being badass. At the time I had zero interest in the military. I did not like the strict rules and PT and all that scary stuff an uneducated 13 year old associates with military service. Yes, they make it very clear when you sign up that you have no obligation to join the military after high school, this was simply a Navy based program to not only learn about the Navy and other branches, but for fun. This still was not my thing. But I liked this boy, so I would join to gain his love.

Little did I know that the US Naval Sea Cadets would be the best thing that has ever happened to me thus far in life. The stories I could tell you about my experiences would amaze you and make you jealous. Many years later I am still able to use the knowledge I gained, in everyday life and in huge ways. Not only did I participate in priceless life experiences, but I learned how to be a proper leader, I became not only outgoing, but almost a completely different person. Most of all though, I gained an unbelieveable amount of respect for the men and women that serve our country. I got a hands on glimpse into the life of active duty and retired service members, whether it was a simple sit down chat, a lesson, or doing color guard for one of their funerals or memorial day services, you praise their bravery and their sacrifice.

I could go on and on for pages about what I did in this program, from bootcamp, to working on an aircraft base, to two weeks in the forest for a field operations stealth program. I could tell you about the absolutely amazing friends I made and the things I learned, or the copious amount of coursework and tests I had to do in order to advance in rank. What I can't tell you is the indescribable feeling I got to get pinned with ribbons or receiving an honor cadet award, or the nerves when being yelled at by an officer and the weight of being responsible for 40 cadets, or just how absolutely amazing my week out at sea was, resulting in the best week of my life.

There are no words to properly describe my experience in this program, a program I joined on a whim for a boy. Unfortunately, I left two years earlier than I could've because of health and other personal reasons, which was something I have since regretted. I can honestly say that the USNSCC changed my life for the better in every way possible.

As for the boy, my crush on him ended almost as soon as I entered the program. He didn't seem as important to me once I had something better to focus on. We remained friends in high school and by the time he was a junior and I a sophomore, we became closer than ever, forming a brother-sister bond. But Ill forever have my stupid crush on a stupid boy to thank for introducing me to this wonderful program and also, introducing me to myself. Now, I'm not saying to follow my footsteps and do something crazy for love, but sometimes, you just have to follow your heart.

Who I Am

Im not the same person on social media that I am in person. On twitter I tweet my feelings and my opinions and I make it seem like Im a fun, outgoing person who doesn't care about what people think and has so much confidence in herself. But I post these types of things for attention. I hate to admit it because It makes me sound selfish and everyone hates someone who craves attention. But I don't have any good friends. I have one person that I talk to even we're only so close. I have no one I can vent to without feeling like I'm a nuisance. But I have followers on twitter and they may not care and they probably don't, but I need to hope that someone out there cares. Cares about my opinions and my problems and me in general. A person can only go so long feeling ignored. So for the sake of my actual life, I need attention. I need to be cared about too. I've been ignored my whole life. By my parents, by classmates, by people I considered my friends. So yes, I'm annoying on twitter because the person I actually am is so much worse.

I am not outgoing, I am not confident. I can barely be around people without having an anxiety attack. I cant go to parties, I had to finish high school online because I couldn't last 5 minutes in school without throwing up and hyperventilating in the bathroom. I'm shy and have social anxiety and that doesn't make for someone who has friends. But I'm an even different person once I get comfortable with someone. I become outgoing and funny and a generally happy and supportive person. People hardly get to that stage with me though. I'm so concerned about what people think of me that I try to not be anyone at all. In my life I've met a lot of great people. I've texted these people to only get completely ignored by them in a matter of days. I've always felt people would hang out and talk to me because they felt bad for me and were too nice to tell me to fuck off. No matter how much I've tried, I can't fix this about me. All I need is people to give me a chance, a chance to become comfortable and become me. Because everyone needs friends.

Confusing abuse with consent

At this point i'm pretty sure everyone in America has heard about 50 Shades of Grey as well as the abuse claims that come along with it. Whether if the Anastasia/Christian relationship is abuse can be debated since there was a contract detailing what Miss. Steele was getting herself into. So the question is, since she agreed to the punishments she would receive if she was "bad", is it abuse or not.

I think that the consent might not be as straight forward as it seems. There are three categories of abuse; verbal, physical, and sexual. Physical and verbal are pretty straightforward. One is causing physical harm to another, the other is saying cruel things to someone, often resulting in mental anguish. Sexual abuse unfortunately has a lot more elements to it. The most recognized form is rape but the abuse can also, and often, occur in a romantic relationship. My personal experience with verbal and sexual abuse is what got me thinking about Anastasia's own situation. In my relationship I was not comfortable doing any sexual things. My boyfriend at the time was not okay with that. At first I begged and struggled for him to stop advancing and as persistent as he tried to be, I would not budge my opinions on the matter. This is when the verbal abuse came in. For the course of about a week he filled my head with negative thoughts about myself using many derogatory terms, ending in me feeling like the only thing I was for was sex.

The thing that I shared with Anastasia was that this was my first actual relationship, so I did not know what a healthy relationship should be. So even though we both eventually consented to what men wanted to do to us, was it actually consent? In my case the only reason I agreed to these things was because of the verbal abuse, and her's was physical abuse, but I still did not want any of it. So does it actually count as sexual abuse? Unfortunately this is an issue many women and men face all around the world. Some partners will use physical violence to get what they want, others verbal. What is also sad is a lot of us don't register it as sexual abuse at the time because we don't know any better and because we're only taught growing up about rape.

 I think its time we properly educate the youth on actual life situations and how to deal with them so less people allow themselves to stay in these types of relationships. As always, support it also an important aspect in helping out victims.

If you or anyone you know is in a sexual abusive relationship call the National Sexual Assault hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE